Follow the running Smurf...

For those of you who had the privilege of witnessing my costume last Halloween, you will recall I went as a Smurf, the cute, cuddly creatures from the 80's. I have a thing for the little guys (and gal, just one gal), so it should come as no surprise that I own a blue t-shirt with a giant Smurf on it. If you've ever looked around the gym, you see people decked out in the latest lightweight gym attire (which probably cost a fortune). As for me, well I have my favorite pair of shorts and an array of shirts. Most of them are corny (Green Eggs and Ham, Chia Pet, etc.) and today I chose to wear my Smurf shirt. As I'm running (to a disco song, I'm sure), I look up into the TV attached to my treadmill. Now, I never turn the thing on and rarely even notice it's there while I'm sweating to the oldies. However, today, I had to laugh because the Smurf on my shirt was perfectly centered as a reflection in the TV. As I ran, the little blue Smurf ran in tandem. I don't know why I even found this remotely funny, but I had a little mythical creature as my running buddy.

Today started week four of the couch to five K program. Or, as I call this week, "bitch slapped across the face with running". For the first few weeks, it was a false sense of security - just a few minutes of running here and there and lots of walking. This week, however, the gloves came off. I was sweating so bad, my shirt went from yellow to gold and I looked like Ted Striker in Airplane! when he was trying to land the plane at the end. I made it, however, and lived to see another day.

The HAM of the Day goes to my gal, chatty Kathy. Ok, I am nobody to bitch about people on their cell phones every waking hour of the day as I'd be the world's biggest hypocrite. However, there are a few sacred places - one of which is the gym. As I walk up to the mats today to work core, I see this chick doing crunches while chatting away on the phone. Now, when I do crunches, I'm typically taking the Lord's name in vain. So, unless she's talking to the big JC, I highly doubt those crunches are effective. Just my two cents...

The JAM which saved my workout is "Get Low" by Little Jon. If you're not into hip hop (I'm guessing the over 40 crowd reading my blog - oooo too soon?), it's the song Sandra Bullock sang when she was dancing with Betty White around the camp fire in "The Proposal". The song's crass, vulgar and just the JAM I needed for the last five minutes. Though, if I bent down and touched my toes, I'd be a treadmill casualty, right?

Oh, come on, seriously?

Ok, somewhat vulgar of a picture, but it was too damn funny to pass up. So, i'm about two weeks-ish into the "lifestyle modification plan" and I'm doing ok. I've definitely identified my weaknesses - mainly the days between Friday and Sunday. I was able to keep it under control for the most part this weekend - well except for Saturday night. The good news, however, would be that I saved enough points to splurge. Also, I did three days worth of exercise, so I should be ok.

Then, cut to today. I'm not sure if you work in an office environment where food is ALWAYS around, but I've never met a place like mine. We've had four birthday parties since I started in February and a parade of food in our kitchen every other day between. I could easily weigh 300 pounds if I ate all that was in front of me. Today was the absolute worst - the day the Corner Bakery cookies appeared. Not only were they chocolate chip cookies, but they were M&M chocolate chip cookies. Of course, the cookies appeared from Satan about 3PM when I was looking for a pick me up. But, I prevailed! I grabbed a "Cutie" (thanks Mom!) and went back into my office...((whimper))

The HAM of the day goes to a man I call, "Flash Dance". As I was looking up from my favorite treadmill, I noticed a man on an elliptical machine doing something which resembles the scene from "Flash Dance". The only thing missing from this workout was the water and leg warmers, but everything else - ON POINT. It was so delicious and such a mess...I've never seen someone go so fast on the machine and not fall through the floor.

The JAM of the Day goes to an oldie but goodie - The William Tell Overture. Yes, true, there's no words but the pace alone makes you want to run a triathlon...or take part in a horse race. Either way, good cardio!

Well, that was a nice surprise...

Why a picture of Sister Mary Lazarus from the epic hit, "Sister Act", you ask? Well, my friend, let me take you to my Wednesday afternoon WW meeting. For anybody who's had to walk the plank...err weigh in at a meeting, I'm sure you can appreciate the feeling of dread as you walk towards the kind person behind the table. The feeling of dread is amplified by ten if you've been misbehaving in the last week. For the last two weeks, I've been weighed in by a kind lady who we'll just call Jane (because, in all honestly, I can't remember her name). Jane, a kind, older lady is a dead ringer for Mary Wickes, aka Sister Mary Lazarus. And, if Mary Wickes wasn't dead, I'd be suspect she was moonlighting as a WW counselor in the loop. Anyhoo, one distinct difference between Sister ML and Jane is the feeling of "aww...you could be my grandma" (if she wasn't evil) as I approach the table.

Low and behold, I lost 3.2 pounds in the first week. Given my "Slaughter in Sweden" - aka two trips to Ann Sather the weekend before, I figured for sure I'd see a plus sign on the weight in record. Call it an act of God, tapeworm, good genes or Sister Mary Lazarus shaving off a few points, I wound up losing weight. Needless to say, I pranced to the elevator like Snoopy when he's excited - it was a good week.

A key thing I learned - just because you eat something fattening - it doesn't necessarily mean you blew it for the week. When I thought back on it, I did work out for almost an hour, three days last week, walked about a mile and a half-ish to/from the EL three days out of the week and came in or slightly under points every day except Saturday and Sunday. So, what did I learn - fat isn't always the enemy, count every point so you know exactly where you stand, and Sweden is my friend in moderation.

I've reached the end of week two in the Couch to Five K program - still doing well. Though, I will say, it was hard to drag my ass to the gym today (Friday PM). I came up with every possible excuse to skip between work and home. Then, I reminded myself that the gym is full of eye candy and opportunities to run commentary, so off I went! Speaking of commentary...

The HAM of the Day goes to a guy we'll call "Air Traffic Control Al". I decided to switch treadmills today to have a birds eye view of the stairs to the lower level at Cheetah Gym. From this perspective, I can see people beginning and ending their workouts. Today, a man with headphones the size of dinner plates on each ear walks up the stairs. It made me think one of two things: he just got off work at the airport and forgot they were on or he's trying to make a statement (at Cheetah, that's the most likely candidate). He was obviously cleared to land on elliptical two right...

Today's JAM swings back to the disco era and is brought to you by Donna Summer. "She Works Hard for the Money" is a perfect JAM if you're feeling under appreciated at work, working towards a goal (my reason) or like to dance in a synchronized fashion in the streets (if you're confused, YouTube the video). I'm working hard for this 5K, so you better treat me right!

Thar she blows...

Well, I promised this would be a blog of honesty, so let's roll that beautiful bean footage from the weekend, shall we?

Now, let me start by saying I was really good this week, except for Saturday. And, in all honestly, I'm probably being dramatic. However, two trips to Ann Sather and a couple too many drinks at Big Chicks on Saturday probably spelled a nice overage in my points for the week.

I guess you can say I've identified my weaknesses: Stoli vodka, Ann Sather's Cinnamon Rolls and anything Hamburger Mary's. In fact, when I try to even estimate Ann Sather Cinnamon Rolls on WW Etools, I hear sobbing coming from the speakers of my computer. So, I'm going to go all student affairs on my ass and be introspective. When my students would make a big mistake, I would always say, "It's not the end of the world (unless they were trafficking drugs - that's a no no) what did you learn?". So, I learned that I order whole wheat toast at Ann, space out cocktails with club soda at Las Chicas Grandes and order a black bean burger at Mary's. Three "Our Father's", genuflect, peace out Catholics.

I'm on week two of the Couch to Five K. It's getting a little harder this week and I'm all nasty by the end of the workout. I think it's a good thing...

HAM of the Day

So, today's HAM award goes to a gentleman I'll call, "Dude, Where's my Treadmill". So, I'm getting all into my "brisk warm up run" as the Couch to 5K site recommends, and this older gentleman proceeds to tap me on the shoulder from the adjacent treadmill. Interupting, "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer is a sin, first of all, and especially for the reasons this gentleman invoked on my workout. He mumbled something (I was in the middle of a "Toot, Toot, Beep, Beep" repetition so I was not paying attention) but gestured for me to save his treadmill. Then, he dissappears. Now, I'm all nervous because what if someone jumps on...do I hit them? Spray them with my water bottle? Throw it to 10 speed to jar them off? 

Oh, and of course, Stampy was back and two treadmills down.

  JAM of the Day

According to WW, you get more activity points as the intensity increases. A way of measuring the intensity deals with can you sing the lyrics of a song.  Today's JAM is the 80's classic by REM, "It's The End of the World as We Know It". Ok, even when I'm resting on my couch, there's no way I could sing that song. And, when you're running at warp speed, the lyrics just become an incoherent jumble (except for the "Leonard Bernstein" part). With a good beat and punchy lyrics, I'd say I feel fine!

The Twelve Trans Fats of Jackson Boulevard

So, Friday tends to be the day in which the wheels come flying off. I don't know about you, but by the time I hit this glorious day, I'm tired from the week and am feeling a bit confident for the great weekend ahead. I get lazy, leave my breakfast and lunch at home and then wind up shoving my face full of grease and binge drinking the night away. Ah, how wonderful those days were when my metabolism could keep up.

Bound and determined that wasn't going to occur, I set off on my quest. I went to Dunkin Donuts, per usual, but this time ordered my coffee black (insert AIRPLANE! joke, though it isn't true). Instead of losing a few points on their fatty cream, I instead waited till I got to work and subsituted my fat free half and half. By the way, fat free half and half is the bomb digity. Why the overused, outdated slang phrase to describe this creamy delight, you ask? Honestly, I can't tell the difference between it and the real stuff.

I decided to be good today and avoid Chipotle (later blog post, stay tuned) and went to Sopraffina, a great Italian joint down Jackson Blvd. a bit. So, I thought it was a great plan: get a nice walk in, get a salad, walk back and grade some papers during my lunch. On the way there, I became observant of the food choices in my path. Let's count them, shall we: three Dunkin Donuts, Two McDonalds and a Chipotle. As I was reeling over the pitfalls, I started humming "The Twelve Days of Christmas" to myself, yet substituting all the yummy food places in the place of Pied Pipers and Geese a' laying. How everyone in the loop isn't morbidly obese is beyond me.

Today concluded week one of my Couch to Five K training. Just eight more weeks to go. Honestly, I kinda like it...

Time for a new blog segment called...

Food Landmine

The food which nearly derailed me today is none other than the delightful Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookie. I swear, these cute little girls with pig tails are a part of an evil empire with aspirations to pork us all up. Someone from my office brought a box and dumped it on the counter next to the Keurig. Jerk.

HAM of the Day

Nanook of the North: The person who insists on wearing a full stocking cap in the gym. Don't know about you, but I'm so warm working out, I'd do it naked if my man boobs wouldn't knock out the person next to me. 

Jam of the Day

Not sure about you, but I hate stretching at the gym. Seems pointless. However, I know it's really important. So, the JAM of the Day for today is the SOS Band's, "Take Your Time (Do it Right)". Whenever you want to give up on the hamstring stretch, just remember to take your time, do it right! You can do it, do it tonight!

Nothing to fear but McDonalds...

In early December, I was conned into joining Weight Watchers at Work while I was still at Dominican University. I did it half out of coercion and half because I needed to haul my rotund butt into a meeting. Now, I know many people who have lost on this program, so I figured what the hell. I am six credit hours short of two masters degrees, I'm pretty successful at my life, I can do this. Through the gauntlet of December, including a trip to Hawaii, two holidays and a week on the couch for surgery in early January, I was able to lose ten pounds.

Cut to me switching jobs, working in the department our boss calls "the place where diets go to die", and way too many delicious loop lunch options in the area (my commentary on the evil empire of Chipotle yet to come...stay tuned). Today was my first WW meeting back after starting at DePaul. The weigh in wasn't as bad as it could have been, but let's just say I packed back on half of what I lost. Water under the bridge, I assured myself as I grabbed the weekly and finished the meeting. I walk to the elevator all pumped, much the way you would after a great first date or an awesome work out - I was M-O-T-I-VATED! The elevator door opens and what do I see, a man with a McDonalds bag. Not only did he not realize the elevator opened on the floor of a WW meeting, but I was so hungry that I started hallucinating him to be Mayor McCheese, just like in the cartoons. If God indeed does exist, she has a sick sense of humor. Needless to say, I made it down from the 22nd floor without smothering Mayor McCheese in Fancy Ketchup and going to town...

Today was day two of the Couch to 5K training program. Gotta say, I like it so far. I committed to myself to haul to good ole' Cheetah Gym in Andersonville three times a week with a bonus day on the weekend if I get off the couch. Now, I've never been a gym fan (color you surprised, right?) so to make the time pass, I'd like to introduce two blog segments on the gym:

 The HAM of the Day

Simply put, HAM stands for Hot Ass Mess. The greater the mess, the more that comes on the plate. A simple HAM sandwich is mild, but the HAM sandwich which killed Mama Cass (from the Mama's and the Papa's) is just insanity.

The HAM of the Day goes to my friend who I'll call "Stampy". If you've ever seen The Simpsons, in one episode Bart Simpson has a pet elephant who he names Stampy. At the gym, "Stampy" is the man who runs so fast and hard on the treadmill, the entire place shakes. As a matter of fact, the place shakes so bad, you'd think you walked into a Slim Fast commercial. It can't be good on his joints, he's not impressing anyone, and I can hear him over the disco on my iPod. Rock on Stampy...Rock on.

 

The Daily JAM

Need a good song for the iPod? Each gym trip, I'll give you the song which kept me from tossing the dumbbell in disgust. Today's JAM is "Mr. Big Stuff" by Jean Knight. When you're about to give up on the plank, just think..."Who do you think you are?" Oooooh Yeah!

Until tomorrow, my friends.

TK

These are a few of my favorite things...

Ok, I was really proud of myself. Not only did I survive yesterday coming in under my points for the day, but I stopped at two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (surprisingly only 3 points) last night. Under normal circumstances, I would wipe out half a bag. However, I'm not out of the woods yet because Easter is around the corner and so are the delightful yet tempting Reese's eggs.

So, I had a records management association meeting (as thrilling to attend as I'm sure to read) at the Blue Cross Blue Shield building this afternoon. After coming off a great day of eating well, I was a bit concerned when I read "lunch will be served". After zoning out about ten minutes into the meeting, I was brought back to life by the wafting smell of Italian food. As an adopted kid, I'm not overly sure of my ethnic origins. However, I must have at least 1/36th Italian in me because the second you say "smothered in cheese", I'm on that shit like Charlie Sheen on his "angels"...too soon?

As I turn around to see the tempting buffet, it was as if I was at the gates of heaven. Not only are all the men dressed attractive at this meeting (I'm a sucker for a guy in a suit), but the buffet has garlic bread, multiple types of pasta, chicken parmesan and the kicker, about five different types of desserts. After filling my whole plate full of lettuce and mourning the loss of my fudge brownie, I resigned to my table of pretty people to eat my roughage.

Then I came face to face with the type of person I despise most - the person who is as big as my pinkie that has a plate with ten times my food. No shit - this guy probably had three times my food between two plates and was eating like a hog in slop. If it wasn't for the fact I had it half eaten, I would have chucked my garlic bread at him in disgust. Now, I'm sure he pays in life for something I don't, but at that moment it didn't help me much.

Another day, another buffet survival story...